What love really means
by lightserenade
Summary: Gon is doubting himself and almost going crazy because of it. It seems that Killua finally has to speak up about his feelings to bring his best friend down to earth again.


What love means? There are many different kind of views but everyone would agree to some specific ones. Love means being selfless. Love means putting someone's happiness above yourself's. Love means to always be there for eachother.

And even though Gon Freecs was madly in love he didn't fit into those expectations about love he even had himself. He always seemed to act selfish. He hurt the person he loved the most too many times. That is why the hunter punished himself by deciding to never tell that person his true feelings. And fulfilling his expecrations, it hurt him every day to live with his best friend, pretending that everything stayed the same between them.

Right now Gon was sitting in the living room, together with his best friend Killua. The white haired boy was busy eating his favorite chocolate as his attention was glued on a book he was reading. Taking his chance Gon's eyes were fixed on Killua, studying his features carefully. Especially his best friend's eyes caught his curiousity. After all those years of traveling together he had seen the other's eyes in so many different kind of shades. If he was sad, Killua's eyes would turn into a deep and dull blue. If the ex-assassin was happy they would shine brightly like the ocean, making those eyes the most beautiful thing Gon had ever laid his eyes on. But sometimes Killua was caught in his own word, just seeming peaceful like he did right now. His eyes would look distant then, turning into a shade of blue he couldn't describe. But Gon loved his friend like this. Peaceful and calm with no burdens on his shoulder to carry. His smile that was placed on his lips until now suddenly vanished as the thought crossed his mind. The hunter's face suddenly seemed emotionless if not a bit sad. Usually he was the one being the burden on Killua's shoulders. He wouldn't even know how much his best friend suffered because of him, if Palm wouldn't have told him. But before his thoughts could deepen he felt a chocolate ball hitting his head.

"What's wrong?" Killua suddenly asked as he placed the book down on his lap. Of course the ex-assassin would notice the sudden mood changes of his friend. This wasn't the first time and it started to worry him even more every time it happened. Gon always was cheerful, loud, too happy for his own good but that was just Gon. But lately his friend would get sad out of nowhere and he could easily feel it in the air if it happened.

Gon, feeling bad for having disturbed his friend's peace looked down on the table. "Nothing, really" was the only thing that the hunter said. This reply didn't satisfy Killua at all but it was the same conversation they had for too many times now and he never would get an answer. Gon always managed to change the topic, acting like his usual stupid self. Yes acting. Of course he could read Gon's fake actions but he stayed clueless about his friend's reasons.

The white haired boy huffed in annoyance and slammed the book down on the table. "Alright. How about we go out? It's snowing after all." Killua said as he pointed towards the window, with his usual slight grin on his lips. This always worked.

Gon followed his friend's finger until his eyes were fixed on the white landscape outside. When did it start to snow? How could he miss it! "Yes let's go!" he shouted with enthusiasm, already up on his feet to get his coat and a scarf. All his previous worries were gone as he was already dressed in his coat, scarf and boots, walking back inside the living room to see Killua still sitting where he has been for almost an hour, sipping on his hot chocolate.

"Killuaaaa" Gon whined as he saw his best friend's playful smirk. He was such a tease. "Come on! Hurry!" he demanded with a pout, making Killua's grin grow even wider. Finally the other boy decided to get up himself and get dressed to the hunter's liking. Meanwhile Gon kept following him like a dog, waiting for the white haired boy to finally be ready to go out.

Like small kids they ended up in a serious snow ball fight pretty fast as soon as they stepped outside. But like usually nobody of the two seemed to be able to win so they decided on a draw. Not wanting to go home already though, the two boys decided to walk around a bit. It has been one week since they arrived at this town, deciding to stay here over the holidays. Exploring the city seemed like a good idea especially at this time of the year. The whole town was covered in white beauty and was well decorated, leaving the two boys in awe.

As they walked silently through the crowded streets, watching every decorated large tree in amazement, Gon couldn't help himself but to let his eyes always wander to Killua's hand instead, which was slightly moving as his friend walked. He really wanted to hold it in his own but he knew that he wasn't allowed to. Even though Gon's heart told him to finally do it he had to remind himself again why he wasn't allowed to hold Killua's hand.

He was so selfish back then. After Neferpitou killed Kite he was obsessed with revenge and only revenge, hurting his friend without taking notice. And even though he was a terrible friend Killua was the one saving his life as he was close to death. No. He knew he was dead. But Killua brought light into the darkness that suddenly surrounded him. Of course he apologized afterwards, a hundred of times even, but it never was enough. As Palm told him about Killua's breakdown in front of her and many other things he could feel his heart breaking all over again. He had been so terribly selfish.

Killua began to notice the sudden change in Gon's behavior again so he carefully glanced at his friend out of the corner of his eye, not liking what he saw. He saw the hunter staring down on his feet, almost looking like he was haunted by some terrible thoughts. His chest began to fill with sadness as he realized that Gon was keeping secrets from him again. Again his best friend wouldn't share his troubles with him, trying to do everything alone and leaving him behind as the result.

"Gon" Killua said sternly as he suddenly stopped walking, not caring about the people ranting at him for standing in the way. Gon followed his friend's example and stopped besides him, blinking in confusion. "Killua?" the usually cheerful boy asked with his head tilted to the side. "Gon what are you hiding? Something is eating you alive and now I want to know what is bothering you!" the ex-assassin yelled in anger, still not caring about the other people who plainly stared at them.

Before Gon could even answer he was interrupted. "Don't you dare to give me that shit again! Nothing my ass, Gon. Tell me what's wrong!" Killua warned his friend, making the hunter feel nervous under those with anger glaring eyes. What now? He couldn't lie to Killua even if he tried. Neither could he tell him the truth.

"I can't Killua. I have to handle this on my own.." Gon replied quietly and knew immediatly by Killua's glance that it was the wrong thing to say. "So you're trying to do everything alone again huh? Why am I even here, traveling with you!?" the white haired boy snapped, walking again as he almost immediatly disappeared in the crowd, leaving a broken Gon behind.

Late at night Gon sat on the couch, waiting for Killua to finally return home. He knew his friend would be mad at him if he would search for him because Killua liked his time alone but he really was worried sick by now. It was almost 1am and no sign of Killua. Gon was curled up underneath a blanket, staring outside the window, not making a sound so he would be able to hear Killua coming back.

Just as the clock hit 1:25 and Gon's eyes were about to get overwhelmed by sleep he heard the door opening. He jumped up, the blanket falling to the cold floor as he ran towards the front door, seeing a in snow covered Killua.

"Killua I'm-" the worried boy began but was interrupted by the other. "Gon save it. You know I will always be there for you and clean every mess you made like I always did. Just leave it at this" the white haired boy said, knowing he was just saying the truth. He could never stay angry at Gon. He could demand an apology for every dumb thing the boy ever had done but he could never abandon him. How could he? Gon was his light who led him out if the darkness of plain killing and pain.

Gon had expected anything but this. He was prepared for every kind of pain, yelling and punishment but this was even worse. Killua had always been there for him no matter how much he had to suffer because of it. Why? "-why?" he spoke out loud without even wanting to. But now that he started it the words kept flowing without any hesitation. Maybe it was because he was so tired or worried sick that the fear of breaking his own settled punishment was left behind.

"I don't deserve Killua!" he almost yelled as his brown eyes began to shimmer with tears and left Killua speechless. "I have been so selfish and hurt you!" he continued and could read in his friend's eyes that he wanted to know 'why?'.

"Palm told me everything!" As Killua heard that his heart stopped right there. Something clicked in his mind as he now could already guess what was wrong with Gon. This is exactly why he never told the other what he did for him to protect him. Killua was pretty sure that if Gon would ever find out he would be furious. Not about him keeping secrets but about himself for being a bad friend.

"What happened as I went alone to kill Neferpitou. And I-I even said you wouldn't care about Kite's death! And then you were the one who saved my life as I was about to die!" the hunters voice was breaking but he was still yelling his desperate words. "And even on that date I did for Palm...WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? Killua why did you do this? You got hurt just by protecting me so many times and I didn't even know! I-I never knew..."

And with that Gon's voice died down, only his sobbing filling the cool night air. Killua was still trying to find out what to say as he watched his best friend's tears falling down on the wooden floor. "Gon...friends are meant to protect eachother. I knew you would react like this. It would have been better if you would have never found out." was the white haired boy's explanation and it really made sense to Gon but he never cared about logic.

"But I want to protect Killua, too!" Gon said angrily, feeling betrayed but at the same time he knew he deserved any pain that he could get. "You're my best friend! I told you, you weren't allowed to throw away your life!" he told the ex-assassin, remembering how he already said it the first time years ago.

"But you are allowed to throw your life away?" Killua said with a sceptic tone but knew the answer anyway. "Yes!" was the hunter's obvious reply which only made the white haired boy huff in frustration. Why was this boy so impossible? Finally Gon's tears started to slow down and his sobbing died down, leaving the room in silence.

"You know. Friends are always there for eachother and try to make the other happy whatever it takes, don't you agree?" Killua began as he untied his scarf around his neck, trying to make his best friend understand. Gon just nodded but his tears still didn't seem to stop. Before Killua could go on he removed his coat and went into the living room where he sat down on the couch with Gon quietly following him. They sat besides eachother in silence for a moment before Killua started to speak again.

Killua's heart was racing and he could feel his cheeks redden in embarrassment. He never liked to talk about his feelings and he avoided to do it perfectly until now. But like always he would do any reckless shit for Gon as long as he could help his best friend.

"Gon I always wanted to thank you." Killua began, immediatly catching Gon's attention. "I was raised by a family of assassins. My life only consisted of pain and killing. I literally was a killing machine until I met you." he continued, looking at his own shaky hands while he tried not to let his embarrassment show. He knew that he failed miserably. "I-I always thought you were light Gon. You shine so bright that I have to look away sometimes but I always wanted to stay with you. I am glad that I met you and..." somehow he couldn't finish his sentence, having forgotten what he wanted to say. Or maybe he just tried to avoid saying it.

Gon never had left his eyes from Killua as he talked and his expression was unable to read. That fact worried Killua more than anything since he always was able to read his best friend. "Killua..." was the first thing Gon breathed out after a while and the ex-assassin's heart almost stopped as he heard it. The way his name rolled of his friend's tongue made him shiver in a strange way and he felt plainly uncomfortable. But Gon always knew how to embarrass him and make him feel uncomfortable.

"Killua" the hunter repeated and it was strange how one word could rise the tension between them. Gon's stare stayed on Killua until he finally gave up hiding and looked at his friend. Sapphire eyes connected with honey brown ones as it felt like they could finally see freely in eachothers soul. It felt like after everything that was said between them the most important thing was missing and it was shining in both of their eyes.

No one knew who actually was the one leaning closer but as they started to get out of their trance it was already too late. Gon could feel the other's lips on his own and he wasn't quite sure if he should back away or just take his maybe only chance he had. Being selfish as always he added more pressure on Killua's lips, who could have sworn that he died of embarrassment right there. Both pair of eyes closed as they got used to the feeling of eachother. Killua's lips tasted sweet like chocolate, which he actually expected from his friend. Even though he dreamt about this a lot and had imagined it in his head it was a lot different in real. He couldn't feel sparks flying like they always describe it in books but to him the sensation that rushed through his body this moment was simply perfect.

Sadly Killua soon pulled away, immediatly slapping his hand over his mouth, blushing madly as he progressed what happened. Gon watched his best friend's reaction and couldn't help but to smile at Killua's typical embarrassment. But he really loved the sight in front of him. Killua being all flustered, merely visible but the moonlight shows his features perfectly. "Killua looks beautiful in the moonlight!" the hunter said bluntly only to earn a smack on the head from the ex-assassin. "Stupid! How can you say something embarrassing so bluntly!" he scolded him in embarrassment but both of them knew he didn't mean it seriously.

"Killua?" Gon said after a short minute of comfortable silence. "Yeah?" the other replied, much calmer now but still flustered. "Can I kiss you again?" he asked shamelessly and Killua wanted to kill him right there but instead he connected his lips with Gon's again, much to the hunters surprise. It started out sweet and innocent but love and lust soon got the better of them. Killua's tongue licked over the other's bottom lip, begging for entrance which Gon gladly offered. As their tongues battled for dominance, Killua wrapped his arm around the other's waist, pulling their bodies close to eachother. Meanwhile Gons arms sneacked around Killua's neck at the same time. They had to broke apart as both of them needed the air but they stayed close, feeling the other's hot breath against their lips.

"I love you" Gon breathed out, which almost sounded familiar to a moan. Instead of getting embarrassed again Killua smiled and made Gon melt along with this simple action. "If this was all that was bothering you...I love you too Idiot"

What love means? There are many different kind of views but Gon found his own. Love means being selfish. For Gon it was his reason of existence to protect Killua and make him happy. Killua was his life. So from now on he was fine with being selfish.


End file.
